Have you ever known somebody who is criticizing you the whole day through? And you have absolutely nobody around from whom you could get a second opinion?
I never thought I would be so difficult, and everyone I know tells me to be the easiest person around. I am not selfish, I am open minded and I normally don’t care if to go left or right. For me, the greatest pleasure always was to satisfy the ones around me. Watching them being happy makes me happy too and I never minded to put back my own interests for that.
You would be embarrassed by what you see when you finally stop to turn an eye blind.
I know this person I am talking about for many many years and all my other friends keep asking me how I could spend my time with such a selfish person. But I always try to make my own opinion about things and also about people. And for me it was always ok like it was.
If she wanted to go left, we went left. If she wanted to go right, we went right. And also if she wanted to go straight, I took the same road. For me, such things are minor. This is not what counts in life. I always thought that the direction would count less than taking the trip together.
It was an easy time and I enjoyed it…
…until the day came.
The day it was not indifferent for me. I necessarily wanted to go straight. I wanted to do the right thing and this was only possible by doing it like I wanted.
I never asked for anything. I never wanted much. It was the only single time I asked for understanding.
And that’s why I’m more than disappointed that the options she gave me were left or right. There was not one single word about the way straight. The direct way, the honest and loyal way.
I think I was not only frustrated because of my friend. I think I was more disappointed about life in general. Trying to be a nice person and stepping back for others seems to teach you only one thing:
It’s a fraut, you will never get anything in return!
Being good faith isn’t a good characteristic, you will only be exploit.
Anyway… we are still friends, but in a completely different way. For me it isn’t equal anymore if we are taking the path to our left or the other one. I started to say what I was thinking. I began to have an opinion and that’s why I am criticised the whole day through.
I did not take sunscreen so I was irresponsible. I did take off my shoes because I was asked to do this, so I was disgusting by walking into our accommodation barefoot again. I have caressed the cat so I would definitely have fleas now. I wanted to make one more tattoo but everything I choosed was hideous. I talked to other backpackers, so I should not do this because they are disturbing her. I could tell you so much more but I am so weary about this.
I thought about this problem the whole day and with every spiky comment I thought a bit deeper.
In the end I came to an conclusion:
The problem is not me, the real problem is her unsatisfaction about her own life. And that’s what’s really sad and even more selfish than I ever thought she could be.
If you don’t love yourself, you can’t be loved by another one. I never thought this could be right, but I am now sure about it.
I can not help it that she is not satisfied with her relationship. I can not help her with her eating disorder if she won’t let me.
And if it goes on like this, I am not sure if it’s my business helping anymore.
Thanks for listening diary when there’s nobody else around.
Dear dear diary, I wanna tell my secrets. ‘Cause you’re the only one that I know who will keep them.