In 2014 I made myself a tattoo which still is my most favourite one. I made it because of all the people I met, who would have liked to change me. They did not like me as I am and as I always try to please everybody, I started to dislike me as I was.
It took me years of strength to accept who I am. My friend said to me a few days ago:
We have to work on your self-esteem.
I think he did not know that I am as self-confident today as I have never been before.
I will show you some words I wrote in 2001 into my diary. My diary which kept all my secrets.. It is a Monday, the 16th of July, and I did spend my time with the wrong people:
…but he doesn’t like the photos, looks like a dead body, and besides, he prefers the photos of Julia. What a great butt he said. Afterwards, he said that this was just a joke, but for me it wasn’t, and he could have thought of that. I thought that it would be clear that this is hurtful. I know for myself that I do not look as good as the others, but he does not always have to suggest me that! I can enumerate without any problems many examples, which made me feel inferior. He has already hurt me so many times concerning my appearance!
I remember exactly every single chunk I had to swallow. At first my ass was wider than that of other girls, then all his buddies find that I am fat, I have cellulite on my ass (he himself has established), I should buy a push-up bra, let my nails grow, put on some make up, paint my nails, and dress me just the way the one who just passed with the exciting top. These are things that you barely get down your throat with this…
…disgusting tastes! But it has still a supplement, raw can be chewed the naturally still.
I could get a nervous breakdown writing this! Such things steal my self-esteem, the last little bit I have up my sleeve!
… in his eyes I do need a female shape at first, before being seen as a girl. I can’t stand this anymore! I lost six kilos the last couple of days, I do not weigh more than fifty kilos, it’s only forty-eight! This is underweight by my size of 167 centimeter! I can’t go on. I do not eat sweets, I do not eat anything after breakfast because I am afraid of being fat. I only feel good when my stomach is growling when I go to sleep! I feel bad eating! As if I would grow fat immediately! I do not stop eating fruits because they do have less calories, I do not enter the kitchen by fear of finding something to eat there! And sometimes I hate everything around me, I am in bad mood sometimes, because I prohibit myself eating anything! I even do not like to drink milk anymore, because the cocoa is so chocolatey. And worst of all, sometimes it does not work not eating anything, because his mother cooks dinner!
I hate having a tasty dinner and I hate every girl who is thinner than me!
The whole film I asked myself why she has to be that beautiful. Why? Why can’t it be me being this pretty?
He did not even realize that I became only a half of myself until two days ago. And now I am only the anorexic! I hate it when he forces me to eat a chocolate or when he eats a ton of chocolate in front of my eyes and I can only watch him doing this and dreaming of doing this myself!
I used to like myself, I thought of having a good shape and a beautiful face. And now? Now I feel inferior and like the ugly duckling! It seems to me that all the others are better than I am, and I can’t stand watching these 90-60-90-Models on TV! But I will do it like this now: I will only eat when there’s no other possibility, because of others who are asking me to do that or I am rarely kicking the bucket!
One day, when I’m only ribs, I find myself thin enough! It is not fair! On TV, they show only models. How can you feel comfortable in your own skin then? I would love to say “I am like this!”, but I can’t.
I am 16 years older now and a whole lot of wiser. And by the way: I surround myself with people who accept me as I am. But to remind me of this myself, my tattoo helps me every day not to forget that everybody has to love me as I am or he can lick my ass and fuck off!
Because I never ever want to look like this again: