6. April 2018

dig deeper

Hold my hand, guide me! Bring me back to life and show me how it can be. I once was alive and I forgot how it works. Take my hand, infold it in yours and let me feel your warmth. I want to feel the squeeze, I want to sense the striation of your skin. Your other hand holding my head and with one single touch everything bad disappears.

I close my eyes and I abandon myself to you. I trust you and I let go all the thoughts that tie me down to the ground. Want to fly again but have to lose weight. It’s not easy but I do trust in you. Show it to me so I can be me again. Don’t leave me alone like all the others did.

All these doubts, all these worries. Everything seems heavy and so grey and cold. I am so tired. Want to sleep and want to forget.

Pull, pull harder and make me stumble. Stumbling without falling. Don’t let me fail but let me fall in love. With life again.

Do it, unwrap me. I don’t talk to you, I talk to myself. Where are you? Stop hiding, I can already feel you. For seconds so near, for hours so far. Believe in me, old me unfold.

Laughter, smile, but most of all: carelessness!

The rock has gone and the shore washes all the self-confidence away. Flush away. I hurry after it but the faster I run, the more everything disappears. There are only some pencil lines left of the old known me. Almost erased and vague. Sharpen the pen! Hold it and watch me sharpen it. The wood is crashing through the sharpener and splatters on the floor. The graphite is visible again and forms an unblunted tooth. Draw! Draw the old me in a new form. A better shape, another way of thinking.

Was it worth all this, learning how to do it better?

Pride goes before a fall.

The floor is so cold even when the sun was shining on it all day. My toes are frostbitten and can’t move. It’s time. Everyone thinks it is and I can’t stand the worries of the others. Don’t want to make them worry. Not the type for imposing on someone. It’s fucking hard knowing others to sleep bad because of me.

Knowing me better than anyone else. She does. Because I’m part of her. She’s me and I’m like her. Never wanted to be like this and now proud as hell to be like her. Exactly like her. In one moment a lion, in another a little child screaming for care and a big hug.

For you senseless words, for me a way to get to know myself better. I don’t know myself at all. This new girl is a stranger to me. I know only the shadow of her hiding behind.

There once was this girl, so effortlessly herself. Lost and found but not unfold.

The rock s still missing and can’t be replaced. The world’s moving on as if nothing had happened, doesn’t she recognise that something’s missing? Hard to grasp, impossible to internalise.

My body, an empty envelope. Too fat, too big. All this effort doesn’t make me happy. Running to see trained calories on a smartphone screen. Expecting to feel better now, but recognizing to feel worse. I can if I want, I fail baldly if it is a must-be. Everything has become a must-be, nothing left of the girl with edges and sharp borders. Only hollow eyes watching out of a head so full that it sometimes wants to burst.

Jealousy, a word I never knew. Now a word that has become a person holding my hand everytime I see these things I used to think they are stupid. A person calling my name, whispering in my ears and showing me a bad perspective.

I’m happy for others, I always was. But now I need to find my happy self.

Old ones pretending to love me – do they remember me? New ones not knowing the old – is it possible that they love me not even loving myself?

One is missing himself because he isn’t hisself anymore without me being me anymore. Impossible to explain and something mysterious. Never believed in higher forces until then. This sadness in this eyes is killing me, makes me feel guilty. Have to renew the old, have to cut myself into pieces to keep others whole.

Dig deeper little girl, use your hands if you ain’t got a shovel. But dig – I know how to dig.

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About missobsolet

ob•so•let imperfection is beauty, madness is genious. it is better to be absolutely ridiculous than absolutely boring.

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Personal Thoughts

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