spoken without tone
And sometimes I just want to fall back, lean back just to fall onto this soft pillow. I am closing my eyes and I can feel it. There is this warm calling me, it starts to whisper softly, but my ears can barely hear it. I know the voice is calling for me, my inner me. There is this attraction I cannot stand. It’s like a fog absorbing me, pulling me into it. Blocking my view. It surrounds me, my hands get notice of the water in the air. It is touching me, it is like the Siren. It’s like a wonderful sound and every atom of my body wants to believe. My closed eyes suddenly open, but it feels like they are still closed. Can’t see anything. It is not dark at all and for that, I have this strange trust in me. Suddenly all the problems are falling off, away from me. My brain is switched off, there is no need to think about anything anymore. I am feeling agravic, and although my feet are standing tall on the floor, I can not feel my own weight. I am losing myself. Not for the first time. Just so cosy and warm, my whole body is leaning back and I lose my balance point completely. At first it is only a little move, my body under the pressure of gravity. So I lose my dynamic equilibrium. My hair behind my ears, I am drifting downwards, whirling my wisp of hairs in every direction.Way with the wind, it is like a collection of little snakes biting around wildly. My arms bend themselves but I don’t even try to catch myself from falling. There’s no natural reflex anymore. It’s not a fall it’s a beneficence. I am happy about it and then I start to fall deeply, deeply into the pillow which is so soft and big and made only for me. The pillow hits my back and the cotton caresses my skin. I am so tired, I am so sleepless. Sleep doesn’t help it’s not my body who is tired. It’s my soul. It’s my body falling down and touching the pillow, but it’s my soul flying high above me, watching me from upon.
“What’s up girl? Look at yourself. Where have you gone? How to continue? Is it the right path you are going? How do we know?”
I talk to myself. My soul is talking to me, but my body doesn’t know how to answer. I just lay down there and see all the questions in the air.
What will be? Is it worth it? Was that today? Tomorrow? Time is so meaningless but in the end, it means everything. What will be fifty years from now? There is this riot. So this was the first half. Am I satisfied? Am I happy? Is this, what I wished for myself? Is it enough?
My hands are grabbing these two shoulders and I shake this sleeping body to wake it up. Can’t sleep. There is so much to do. There is so much fog. I can’t do it on my own. You have to help me. These eyes are still open staring at my soul, but it gets more and more invisible. There is this whisper again, and suddenly there is this silence. I breathe in deeply, I stretch my back making an hollow-back. I pull my knees towards my chin. I sit up and try to stand up. It feels like I am just too dreamy, and so I fall asleep heavily. I only wake up when the fog is gone. There is this wide sky above me. My mouth stays open, but I can’t speak at all. So many words wanting to come out, but my brain can’t form a single sentence, don’t even a word. But anyway, there’s no need to talk, because I communicate in a foreign language spoken without tone.