29. September 2018

for me

Can’t breathe, I just can’t breathe. I am touching my throat with my whole hand, this typical gesture people do without any result. It’s way too hot, my body is covered in heat. Some single beads of sweat are running down my temples. There’s no oxygen at all. Nothing left. My mouth is dry and my lips are burst.

I unfold my naked body out of the bedsheets, I prop up and sit up straight. Hands still round my neck, but my breathing gets more and more ponderously. It’s this dark, I cannot see anything despite the moonlight through my lonely window.

I stretch one foot out of bed and slowly set it up on the floor. I can feel every single irregularity of this warm wooden floor. My senses seem to be sharpened. My naked body follows my feet and stands up to take these two steps left.

The door to the balcony is closed and it takes all my efforts to open it. It’s not a big door, but in this moment, everything seems to be too heavy for me. My hands are slippery because of the heat. Hard work.

I step outside.

The air is fresh and cold. It hits me like a wall. For a moment, there is this black before my eyes, but it takes me only a few seconds to be back.

Seconds and minutes are passing by.

I am just standing there watching the dark. My eyes are helpless, my skin is shivering, my hands holding the doorframe and my throat. My head is empty.

It’s not the cold making me feel bleakly.

Suddenly the world disappears and I am lost in the middle of a thousand shards. Can’t move. Trying to, cuts my skin and makes me hurt. Pain is the only thing I feel in this status and I still can’t breathe.

I begin to feel desperate. Where am I? Nobody hears me so I start to scream. I got panicked and I feel like a prisoner locked up in this cover of a body. It should be a shelter, but my mind feels unfree. Tied to something it does not belong to.

No voice comes out of my mouth. Nobody can hear me. There’s just this silence around me.

I fall down on my knees, these shards are cutting my legs and a little small street of blood is running down my shinbone. I am observing this scene and I am as fascinated as scared. My blood is of a beautiful red colour and the consistence is a sane thickness.

My upper body can’t stand the weight of me anymore, and I break down slowly still missing fresh air in the middle of outside.

I am helpless, I am lonely. I want to wake up, just to realize not the whole nightmare was a dream.

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About Miss Ob·so·let

Imperfection is beauty, madness is genious. it is better to be absolutely ridiculous than absolutely boring.


Personal Thoughts