What do I want? What do I really want? I do not know what my wishes are. I forgot how to be myself. I forgot what I want for my own. I work. I am like a machine. I only work. It’s not the kind of work I do at work. It’s like someone who only does what is wanted. I only behave like I think I should. I unlearned to be myself. I unlearned to be free.
Days are passing by and I thought about what to do for me. It’s my Day. And it is impossible for me to be myself. To find out what my heart wants to. To just feel my needs. It is like losing my body. I rise, but my body stays in bed under me. I am up in the sky and I look down like the star which is glowing in the dark now. I stuck it at my ceiling and every day it fills up with light and shines by night. I am like this star now, but I do not shine. I don’t know how it works. It seems knowing this, was lifes before the life I am living now. I look down at me and see this girl, almost a woman. She stares at me with open eyes and is so empty. Nothing happens and in same time the whole world falls down at her. She does not move, she listens to this song with the violin. She does not move but every cell of her body feels the sound, feels the noise. Feels the vibe and the passion which lies in this special kind of music. Her heart wants to burst, wants to jump out of this shell and just dance. It wants to unfold and be what it is made for. Young wild and free like they always say. But there’s lying this old woman not knowing how to move. She’s ashamed of everything, she does not feel comfortable in her body and breathes heavily. She is just lying there and still stares at me. These eyes are like dark holes and the violin is playing harder and harder. My body wants to move but I am as tied up.
The music gets more briskly and in these dark eyes is this fire now. The black dots changed to big brown eyes with the flames twitching in it. Deep down, there, in these corridors to the inside of this moveless body you can see the cells dancing and the blood flowing. This thick red mass who is the river of life. Pushing forward, moving on.
There is this passion inside and this laughter. These sparkling eyes combined with these lips curved to a long smile. The heartbeat gets faster and more intensive. The violin bow dances up and down, the noise gets louder and the muscle of the heart punches against the ribs that want to burst. It’s like a volcano with this hot and burning lava inside. It is torrid and you can feel that in every single second the critical point will be exceeded. I want to stretch out my arms, hold everyone around and force them to dance with me. I want to laugh at them, laugh with them and feel like a drunken lady who forgot how to behave. I want to wear a summer dress and swing it around my legs, feel the warm breeze of spring. I want to feel the cold of autumn and hear the leaves rustling under my feet. I want to see all those beautiful colors around and the castles up the hill. I want to run up the stairs and get a kiss. My lips would not feel lonely anymore and it is electrifying to feel this warm mouth in front of mine before we fall in love over and over again. All these smiling faces disappear and there’s only us two left. We look into each others eyes and the funny dance gives way to a desire I never felt before. I can feel the touch round my body and then I leave it completely to just be myself. There is this burning inside – it is still there behind this moveless body lying on the bedsheets.