20. December 2018

intrinsic motivation

It is warm and comfortable. And I’m as restless as an ant. The goal was to relax. Not even that succeeds me. I lie in the bathtub and while the faucet splashes loud, the water level rises steadily. I was so cold. This cold that comes from the very inside, by the way, that is not even better with rug. So I decided to take a bath. I love my bathtub. I fucking love it. It gives me a place of rest, which I can transform to a small wellness oasis with only three simple candles.

So I’m sinking ever deeper into the frothy broth making sure that my tied-up hair does not come into contact with the warm wet. The water just flows around my shins and while I look down at my naked body, I have to unfortunately  admit, that I have putted on weight. My weight fluctuates as much as my mood about it. Amazingly, I’m not particularly interested in it today. I do not really know why it’s so interesting for me other times. Is it really because I am 35 and unmarried? Who knows what your own feelings do with one? Why is it so important to please?

I look to the side and there I see Nemo. He stares at me with big dead eyes. Nemo is made of plastic and I think he is already drowned. The water now covers my body up to the shoulders and because of the heat, beads of sweat run along my temples. It is much too hot, it is only approximately sustainable under rigid conditions. Barely do I move, the waves seem to be boiling over me. Why am I just so restless? Why do I think about things that should not concern me? Why am I suddenly beginning to search so hard for the meaning of life?

What I have now is not enough for me, what comes next gives me joy and pain at the same time. Do I already know what I want? But who knows, if not me?

Intrinsic motivation! that’s the new word. it is the first criterion in every mouth and in the job advertisements. This raises me the following question: why is that a criterion? It should always be like that! Unspoken! The heart beats for what you do. Or even it should. If that is case, then I do not ‘need’ intrinsic motivation. Unless you have probably done something wrong, like me. I do have intrinsic motivation, or I do not have it. That’s something I can not learn or work for. This statement only proves to me, that far too many people do not do what they really want to do. At this point, I have to think again of the question I was asked: “Do you want to be happy?”

Would my proportions really matter if I wanted to be happy? Why do I mortify myself for others? These are not the ones, that really make me happy in the end.

I have to sit up, it’s too warm I want to write, but I can not find words. As soon as I’m sitting straight, I want to lie down again. I am satisfied with nothing. “Brushed on riot” I was tagged today. Sometimes I have the feeling that this senselessness in everything makes me so angry. I somehow miss the valve and I miss the variety in which I have not come to think these stupid things.

And I lack the building blocks of my life that I could not take with me. These building blocks were such important supports for me, without them, everything shakes. Durability, stability, everyday life.

Head up, chest out is so hard for me, because I still search the components on the ground. I am looking for old and I am searching in new one. Sometimes I even think so. I sit cross-legged across the bathtub and have forgotten how to relax.

Without knowing what you are looking for, you can not find it. It’s quite different with dresses. If you know exactly what you want, you have absolutely no chance finding it.

The water cools down slowly. Maybe I’ll just start another try. Who will give up so fast?!

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