It is dark outside and only occasionally you can see windows of other houses where light is still burning. The shadow of a man passes by in one of the windows, then everything is so motionless again. The light chain over my head along the wall is reflected in the glass of the table on which my laptop stands illuminated, and I just stare into space. Motionless like my environment.
I was supposed to get on with my work, but I’m tired. It’s late but I’m wide awake and can not imagine sleeping right now. Now that half the world is already immersed in deep sweet dreams. There is this hole that bothers me, there is this darkness from which I can not find out. Maybe I do not want to come out. And then I think about it again and miss it. I just miss everything and I can not calm down internally. Externally, I only sit on the less comfortable chair and stare into nothingness. I’m missing it and I just can not fill the gap. Nothing will ever fill this gap.
It is a hole so big and deep and again and again I fall into it. I want to laugh again, I want to be myself again. I just want to go back. I want to have my home again, this place where I can be without being alone. Being alone with me is terrible and I hate it. I expect too much and I always expect it immediately and I do not want to compromise anymore.
I want to break my head through the wall and when I succeed, I do not know what I want to do on the other side.
I’m annoyed, stressed out and do not know where to go with me. At the same time I do not know what I really want. What could make it better? It is this dissatisfied state that makes me miss something that has not been around for a long time. Something you just cling to because you need something to hold on to. I would want to touch it and by trying to grab it, my hand would beat in the void. I see my hand reaching out, and the place where everything was yet what I wanted, there is now suddenly nothing left. Only air. An idea of how I would like it. This has nothing to do with what it once was. A castle in the air with no windows and no door. It’s just an empty pile of stones stacked in the corner that was once my life’s content.
My old friend once said to me:
There is only one true love in everyone’s life. And that’s you.
That’s probably so. However, I realized too late that it is love for oneself. The love with which we accept ourselves and value ourselves. It is the love with which we can just be ourselves, without even thinking about for only one millisecond. This true love that makes you laugh every day and that makes you smile like an idiot. This true love that never cares about the way you look. This true love, which you only appreciate when you have lost it.