And then there it was again… The same old daily grind with the same old grumpy faces and the old stupidity of everything.
And then there it was again: this feeling that this could not be it! This could not have been my plan and for sure this could not be ending up in an happy end. Not with this bad story!
The treadmill turns round again and my nerves collapse. I do not belong here, but I do not belong where I came from either. And I do not belong to all this I am so fucking sick of.
Same same but same same and still the same to end the day the same way it came and will come and….
I need a change of everything that makes me so depressive and damn heart cold. I feel like I enjoy being a stone, so that all my thoughts don’t reach my inner self behind the shelf.
I feel like standing on top of a mountain, a huge and stoney one. But the mountain has a diameter of only one meter. My toes are already over the edge and I am afraid of falling down. There’s no space to turn to the other direction without a drop-away-stone falling with loud crashing to the ground far under me. I am standing there with my hands tearing my hair and making fists, while crying with mouth opened a scream, that is so necessary to not have my tired body burst in thousands pieces. And what’s weird, I feel to the same time like standing in the middle of a crowd with thousands of people. They are talking and speaking and mumbling. And I just scream. My hands are still buried in my hair and my knuckles are already white from the pressure I exercise.
My eyes are pressed closed to small slots and the kindly friendliness of the brown and warm eyes has completely disappeared.
It’s impossible to go on like this, having a feeling like wasting my life in nearly every situation of life. It’s impossible to not scream.
Small happenings make me smile, but this doesn’t last and the small things should not be what pushes the big things together. The great things have to be self-perpetuating thing.
What is my life without my opinion than just a fucking toy?! Hold me here, take me there, I don’t mind. Do this and do that, I try not to fucking mind. But what I really need to – and that’s fucking urgent – is to just give a fucking fuck and have an opinion –> my own one please! Being me again!