29. April 2019

Tiredly tormented

I smile tired and tormented, but my counterpart does not notice. They never do.

Sometimes I just want to break out, drive out of my skin and express myself. Sometimes I would just like to stand up and scream out loud. I do not know what I would complain about first. Do I start with everything I just disapprove? Or do I start with what I really do not want? I just want to stand there and bale my hands, pinch my eyes together, and open my mouth and just get rid of what lies dormant deep within me.

On some days there is so much wanting to come out, so many letters which were once words and sentences. On other days, there is just this lonely emptyness.

I try to look inside myself, but there is nothing. Just this big black place inside. And sometimes, there is this hot burning lava. It’s bubbling, willing to get out!

And me, I just stand there and smile tiredly. Too polite to say no. I can not turn this off, it’s just there. I know that I do not have to, but somehow I want to do it, I have to make a must. Maybe I have to make the others feel good. Maybe I have to because I’m worth less. Maybe I’m naive and do not know any better. Maybe I’m just too stupid to learn from my mistakes.

… So I stand there and smile silently tormented.

The corners of the mouth are slightly up, but who knows me knows, that’s not me. I often do not, and sometimes I do not even know where to hide. I am looking for myself. I do not find myself on many days. It’s as if I’m hiding games with myself. I would like to end the game, but I can not find myself.

But I’m smiling silently tormented.

So I stand there and thank you. I did not want that, but thank you very much. If I can do something for you again, let me know. I will not want it, and then she does it for me. She works, she does that well. I delegate the tasks to her. She gets my recommendation while I just stand there and smile silently.

She does everything for me, she hardly finds any objections. I never look at her, but sometimes I can see her. She nods to me. Then she stands there and screams.

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