20. August 2019

the ghost

I knew he was there from the beginning. He was like a masterpiece – unreachable, untouchable and so far away, but not in spatial way. He knew my dreams, he followed my ideas and he made me a believer. A foreigner, a stranger, a ghost.

I told this ghost about my dreams and he followed my ideas. He made me a believer of being able to do anything I want to do. He seemed to be a construction of my imagination, built out of imagination, out of a truth I knew it was there. His outlines were out of fragile atoms willing to fall all apart by trying to touch.

I tried often to touch, but I always failed. I could not explain this to me. And I still cannot. This loving heart cared about this foreigner without knowing him at all. This ghost was so real and in fact not there at all. And everytime I reached out my hands, he disappeared whispering soft words into my ear. I wasn’t really mad about that because I knew it’s just a ghost I’m hunting. I knew that every expectation was in vain. And every single effort was accompanied by the knowledge that I would fail.

I still don’t know why it wasn’t really dramatic for me. Perhaps because it matched my expectation. Perhaps because I was afraid what I would find by being able to succeed. What if I would be disappointed? What if my ghost wouldn’t like me to get him closer? What if he would no longer share my dreams? What if…

And suddely it happened.  

It happened without any remarkable reason.

It happened on a day like all the others. Without announcement.

There he was in all its beauty. He wasn’t transparent anymore. The stranger seems to turn into a living creature out of skin and blood and smell and voice. He looked at me and smiled.

I was intimidated. 

I was playing this scene a thousand times in my head and it has never been like this. I could not stop staring at him as I could not realize he was real. I looked in these eyes so clear and true. And we merged into a single person. I inhaled this ghost and saved him as a treasure. A treasure just for me for a single moment. I felt alive, I felt free and I forgot about everything. There was just this feeling of wanting to have it all. I wanted to get it all and I got it.

And then I woke up from this lovely dream. The ghost was gone again. And all what’s left is this uncertainty and a beautiful memory. 

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Personal Thoughts

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