17. September 2019

this hole

And I want to hold on to it, push it to myself, and just don’t let go! Hold it tight! It feels good, it smells good, it tastes good! It fits exactly in this gap, which I can not stuff! The hole is just filled and covered with a plaster. Slightly the dried blood shimmers through, but it does not hurt at all. Not in this moment. At least not right now.

I feel well and warm, and just want time to stop! But this trickles way too fast! As soon as I look at the clock, it’s already too late! Actually, that can not be, but the truth looks so very different! The truth is always catching up with me! She passes the hands on the clock and smiles tiredly at me. I stare at her with open eyes, feeling so stupid. What did I think?


With a sudden pain the plaster is gone. It was pulled away and rips open the wound again. Actually, it did not hurt at all, the pain is just a drop in the bucket. Another drop.

The wound is bleeding again, but that’s not the problem at all. The problem is another thing! It is the gap.
What has just been completed, is now gone. Again! Nothing for eternity?


Maybe I do not deserve this, maybe the pointer has not turned around often enough.


I think back to what I did, what I could have done. Is there something here that brings me back the fill for this gap?

I try to stop the bleeding, but my hands are far too small for this huge hole. It is big and deep and black and dark! And it is bleeding and bleeding.


I know you are there, and yet you are gone. I can not grab you, and the hole gets bigger. Desperately I stretch out my arms, I reach for you, but you pull yourself away. My face is going to heaven and the tears are running down my cheek. My hair lies in my face, wet out of tears I have to cry! My eyes became small slots because of the pain and all the punishment.

Where is everything that held me together? Doesn’t anyone have a bandage for me?

I am bleeding and everyone is just watching.

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Personal Thoughts

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